War

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO BLOG: WRCWIT - War

 
<Enter stage right as UB40's Red Red Wine plays; waving to the applauding crowd of invisible friends> Thank you!  Thank you!

You will have to overlook me today. I'm frazzled.  After taking the kids to school I came home, it was just me and my dogs, when about six loud low flying jets flew overhead.  Not just once, a dozen times and not just loud, low flying jets - loud, low flying MILITARY jets.

I panicked.  I've never been in a war, but if I had to guess - loud, low flying jets are probably the theme song between the gongs of bombs dropping.  And for about ten minutes, I was convinced we were at war. <the sounds of planes overhead...waiting for the explosion - BOOM!>

My dog who is terrified of thunderstorms wouldn't leave my side.  She looked up at me as if to say, "It's a storm, Mom.  We're all gonna die."  And I looked back at her like, "Fuck that!  It's the god damn Chinese! And you're damn right, we ARE gonna die!"

My first thoughts were of getting my kids.  And then, "Why the hell didn't I take Chinese in high school?  What the fuck good is Spanish gonna do me now?"  Seriously.  <smh>  They don't even offer Chinese where my kids go to school. ... They should.

Once my dog and I got a grip and realized we weren't going to die after all, I went to work.  And for those of you who don't know, I'm a college educated housekeeper.  I clean toilets and vacuum pubes at a pinky-up bed and breakfast.  

I was in customer service before they put me in the broom closet.  For years I worked with with the public in retail, telemarketing - you name it, I did it.  And I knew the general public were assholes.  In general lots of people are assholes.  What I didn't know, until I started housekeeping, was just how HAIRY those assholes are.  Shitballs!  

Which got me thinking as I stood there with my vacuum extension sucking up ungodly amounts of body hair from the bottom of a bath tub... The Chinese - they're not hairy.  As a people, they're not hairy.  They probably have a similar percentage of assholes, but when was the last time you saw a burly Chinese man so hairy he looked like he was wearing a fur coat?

I haven't.  Ever.  So next time I hear those loud low flying military planes and I think the Chinese are coming, I'm going to hang a banner that says, "WELCOME," with directions to the damn b&b.  <laughter>

That's it for me tonight, folks.  Don't forget to tip your housekeepers!  And goodnight!

<Exit stage left... well... because I left.>