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A Little Story About Wine
<Enter stage right as UB40's Red Red Wine plays; waving to the applauding crowd of invisible friends> Thank you! Thanks so much for coming out.
There are a bazillion and one things that suck about being a middle-aged woman. For some there's the weak bladder, facial hair, sagging tits, irregular periods, mood swings, wrinkles... But thank god there's wine.
In fact, I'm pretty sure wine was invented by a middle-aged woman. Gather 'round for a little story.
After burning one of her saggy boobs in the fire while making breakfast for her ungrateful herd of children, angry by yet another comment from her husband about her fluctuating weight - she stormed out to gather grapes.
She sang. She cried. She ran into a friend among the vines, another middle-aged woman. They swapped stories about their ungrateful herds and judgmental husbands and she began to laugh. And the harder she laughed the more pee ran down her leg and that's when she snapped! She jumped right in that bucket of grapes and stomped and yelled and stomped some more!
She was in no hurry to get home but when she couldn't justify being away any longer, she carried her large bucket of pulpy grape juice and set it down at her husbands feet. "What is this?" he bellowed. "Where are my grapes, woman?"
Whistling and crying she ignored her husband and began making dinner. The grape juice sat in that bucket in the very place she set it for months. Every day he'd bellow for her to do something with it and every day she'd tell him to fuck off. <laughter> Or "fucketh offeth" I guess since this was a long damn time ago.
One day, when she was good and ready, she decided it was time to move the bucket. The house wreaked. It was in the way. And as she carried it out of the house, it sloshed and the sweet nectar touched her lips.
She did away the grape juice all right. She sat right there on the threshold of her home and drank every last drop. "What facial hair? ... Did I pee? ... Two periods this month? WHO CARES!?"
You heard it right here folks, on the internet - so you know it's true. When she finally shared her new found liquid happiness, people brought her jewelry and cigarettes just for a taste. THE END.
... Damn, anybody else thirsty? Where's my wine?
That's it for me tonight. Don't forget to tip Your housekeepers! And goodnight.
<Exit stage left... well... because I left.>
